It has been a long LONG time since we last spoke and for that I am truly sorry. Please just remember that I am currently working long hours trying to change the world, improve people's live and spread happiness. Yes folks, fashion PR is that demanding. But as I lie here in bed (DO NOT comment on the fact it is post 3pm) I think it is perhaps time to resume my writing. I took a 2 month hiatus because work was busy and I wasnt enjoying writing as much as I had been. Now however I am here to write for you again and embarrass myself even further. So how to win back your hearts? By throwing myself to the lions. I will now dedicate this post to... internet dating.
It seems a booming fashion career severely impacts on your chances of finding a fella ... unless you are a fella looking for a fella... So after a month or so of complaining to my lovely house-mate Kate that I was NEVER going to find a man in a city which hosts a rather large population of them, she made a suggestion. Internet dating. I laughed at her and carried on riding my high horse. But once a seed is planted my friends, all of a sudden you are living high up in a oakwood and someone has carved e-Harmony into it...
I carried this little gem of an idea around with me for a few days and asked a select group of London friends what they thought of the idea, already bracing myself to become the laughing stock for evening suggesting it. But guess what? It turns out everyone is on them. In fact I am pretty sure you can't get into some London nightclubs unless you are on one. How had I lived in London for three months without one they asked? So one night I decided to see what it was about. Creating a profile is the most cringe-worthy experience ever. These people don't know you and so everything you say makes you sound like a douschebag:
"I like going out with friends" = Heavy drinker.
"All my girlfriends have been younger than me" = Paedophile.
"Some college" = dropout.
"I like to go to the gym 7 days a week" = Delusional/Fat/Liar/Obsessed with mirror image of self.
"Musician" = Stoner.
"I like to walk everywhere" = Cant afford a car.
"My friends say I am a good laugh" = Your friends use you to buy rounds.
"I am training to be a doctor/physicist/dolphin trainer..." - Girls dig that right?
You also have to write a strapline - my post title is one I stole from a guy on the website. What does it even mean? I love it. Other good ones include... "Good sense of hummus" and "I'd be great in a zombie apocalypse" bad ones include "I'll be your Mr Gray" - dude you look like a murderer and "Are you looking for me?" - only if you have the phone number of Prince Harry.
So keep it short and sweet. Who am I kidding, my profile is an autobiography of my life. Once that is written you put down what you are looking for - Dating, relationship, long term, marriage, friendship, intimate encounter (????) Then add your profile pictures:
Photo of you in your bedroom - I have just taken this right now
Photo of you drunk - I have a drinking problem and thinks its cool to show you
No top on (boys...) and face not showing in profile - I look like the back end of a donkey but hope my cheese grater abs make you forget that
Posing - I think i'm Christina Aguilera/Tom Cruise
You with your ex - This is what I am looking for/I havent always been on a dating website
You with a child - Dude been on too many dates
And then upload!! People start messaging you, asking to meet you. All of them look like they belong in prison. You ignore 99%. You forget some men are actually good looking and message back to the ones who would look alright at the cinema with you - if it was dark... and you were looking at the screen. The messages you receive are RIDICULOUS. My favourite ever..."Hi BECKY, I like the look of your profile and thought I would start with an easy question to get us talking...so, what's your name?" Other great messages I have received:
"Is a Jaffa Cake a cake or a biscuit"
"Come here often?"
"Why wont you message me back? I'm not interested in you anyway. You think I'm ugly dont you?" (The Block button has been used often...)
"My apartment smells like leather and I eat a lot of cheese"
There are many more. Mostly they dont make sense. A lot of "Hi, how are you? Good weekend/day/evening?" Oh it was good thanks! And I am sure it was good for the 17,000 other girls you have written that message to. You will not be getting a reply.
Telling people you are on a dating website is hilarious. The reactions range from SHOCK HORROR to a hearty pat on the back. My Dad thought it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. My brother told me 50% of couples meet through dating websites. My mother has all but installed a barbed wire around my house to stop me from leaving and going on a date with what she has decided are Fred West re-incarnated and using a dating website...
So there you have it. Web dating in a nutshell. I dont really go on my profile anymore because the whole thing has lost its shine in less than a month ...and I have lost all faith I had in the male species. No I do not want to watch you work out, but thank you so much for asking. Anyway, try it for yourselves, it is pretty funny and a great way to meet people. Be nice to others and hope they are nice back. Dont put yourself in a dangerous position - meet in a crowded place, dont give out personal details, dont let them pick you up/drive you home. Just be smart. And also before you judge just ask your friend's what they think...because I have seen most of them on there. Gloucester, you are most certainly looking for love ;-)
Lots of love to you all!
Becky xxx
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